♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
♪ I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger, now
♪Just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!
♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪
Right, OK. 12 down - Virgin tycoon.
- Bill Gates. - (SNIGGERS)
What? Well, I wouldn't give him one.
- His name is Richard Branson. - You're so knowing, Louise.
I know. It's because I'm at university.
It's a shame you left school, Donna.
You would have made a great student, what with you being such a big tart.
Seriously, Louise, do you feel improved by studying?
Oh, yeah. Definitely. I mean, every aspect of your life improves.
- Look at my bright eyes and clear skin. - Yes, and your healthy teeth and coat.
- Do you think I could do it? - Study? I don't see why not.
I mean, you can read, can't you?
Yeah, 'course I can. I read "Romeo and Juliet" not five years ago.
- OK, what was it about, then? - Well, it was about...
Well, mostly Leonardo DiCaprio's arse.
Your post-modern sarcasm and Generation X nonchalance
could be just what our college needs.
- Come and meet some people tomorrow. - Oh, I don't know.
- What if they didn't like me? - They're students. They love... grit.
Janet, stick to what I've told you - aim low.
First comes university, then comes a love of all things cardigan,
then you end up on "Countdown" talking about your spoon collection.
Well, I have spoons. And several forks.
Ooh! I could be a student.
I could be a vegetarian student.
Don't ever combine those words in a sentence.
So you'll come? Fantastic! You can meet new friends.
- A world of knowledge and depth of thought. - We've got "Catchphrase" for that.
God, Louise, you're so irritating sometimes. Look what you've done to her.
God, Donna, you're always such an angry... wangry.
Nobody calls me a wangry.
Channel your anger in other ways - dancing or singing.
(FALSETTO) Piss off!
If you was a woman, who would you be?
Anna Kournikova. Oh, yes.
- Who would you be? - What? As a woman? Well, anyone.
Women have no trouble pulling ever.
Why would you want to go on the pull?
I don't. I just want to feel appreciated.
Oh. Donna not cutting the crusts off your butties?
No, Donna's really appreciative. The bedroom floor's covered in used Durex.
It's like an ice rink, the way I slip over.
Is it me? Do you want to talk about... feelings?
No, don't be disgusting! No, it's them.
- You want strangers to appreciate you? - No, girls. They don't notice me any more.
When did they ever, apart from when you'd turn your eyelids inside out?
They used to look at me with their lust eyes, like that.
Are you gonna vomit?
Stop it! I'll hurt you. I know feng shui!
No. Something within them saw that I was young, virile, potential boyfriend material.
Yeah, but once you get a girlfriend, women know.
They can smell it in the air, see it in your eyes.
But I want them to touch it in my Nissan.
'Fraid not. You're attached, and they know.
- What can I do? - Nothing. You've got a girlfriend.
Yeah, but I'm gorgeous. Me mum says.
Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Look, who's nicer, right -
Catherine Zeta pre or post-Douglas?
- Yeah, works both ways. - Oh, my God! I need proof.
- I can't believe me powers are dimmed. - Your powers? Are you Porno Man?
Right. Watch and learn. Watch this.
- Come to the pub disco with us Saturday. - I'm flattered, but it's all so sudden.
And besides, I don't want to be second-best to that hussy.
- Why are you wearing glasses? - It makes me look more intelligent.
But you're watching "Battersea Dogs Home".
Are you trying to impress Shauna Lowry? People can't see you when they're on TV.
Yes, I know that. I know a lot of things, actually.
Good. Do you know where the piccalilli is? I've had to garnish this with egg custard.
- D'you want a bite? - No, thank you.
(POSH VOICE) I don't think the educated eat egg custards.
From tomorrow, I shall only be eating Biscotti.
I thought you were more a Penguin girl.
Don't call me a Penguin girl. It makes me sound thick. And waddly.
Well, you're not thick. You've got GCSEs.
Admittedly, only in home economics and PE, but, you know...
somebody might want someone who can bake and do sit-ups at the same time.
- I am not stupid. - Never said you were.
Well, you made fun of my qualificacians.
As long as you know when I want a beer, your brain is fine.
I'm meeting Louise's uni people.
I'm going to be clever and sophisticated. I'll show you.
I was actually asking for a beer just then.
When I were your age, I were a successful model.
- When were you a model? - I was very experienced.
Yes, I know that. When were you a model?
I modelled for life classes.
- What are life classes? - They're very sophisticated.
You take all your clothes off, and 15 people draw you in charcoal.
Sophisticated? Why didn't you just lap-dance for a living?
I did that as well.
And magazine work. Would you like to see them?
I've kept them all - "Readers' Wives"...
"Hirsute Pursuits"..."Pregnant Mums".
"Pregnant Mums"?! You didn't?
Relax, you were only a bump.
You are a sick, sick woman,
and you deserve to be whipped in the streets like a dog.
- You are a very angry young lady. - I'm not a very angry young lady.
I'm the picture of serenity until I get told I was a foetal porn star!
You were even angry as a baby.
You'd scream when you were hungry, when you were tired, when you wanted changing.
That's what babies do.
- Calm. See? - Very bovine.
- You won't keep it up. - I will. I'm never losing my temper again.
- From now on, nothing can aggravate me. - Nothing?
Nothing.
Even if I were to do... this?
Because I find that really irritating.
I feel red lava spreading through me veins and building into a tight ball of nausea.
My pulse races with unparalleled rage!
- Maybe it's just me. - Not getting angry. See? I'm calm.
It's very nice to meet you, Janet. I don't usually mix with the rustic.
Most of the rustic don't want to better themselves.
- We mostly chew hay. - That's not true, Cameron.
No, seriously, I've never even seen a banana.
Oh, you poor thi... You're being ironic, aren't you?
- I dunno. Is that the same as being a bitch? - I suppose so. I don't know, really.
So, Cameron, do you want to tell Janet about student life?
Well, first off, it's mad. You just go crazy.
Once, when I stayed over, we dressed vegetables as "Coronation Street" characters.
Get this... Deirdre Ra-swede!
- Yes, you are mad (!) - So, what course would I be most suited to?
Philosophy? Or genetics, maybe?
Right, well, Louise and I have spoken about this,
and we thought you should try something a little less... taxing.
When one has been out of education for a while, the brain does begin to... stagnate.
Moo!
Oh, I know the special circumstances person.
I'll get him to sort something out. You are poor, aren't you?
Good. How do the letters NVQ sound?
Not Very Qualified.
They're the most exciting three letters I've heard in ages.
- Poor Jonny. - Who's Jonny? Is he educated?
Oh, no. He's a pleb.
- Louise! - That's what we call people without degrees.
- It's not offensive. - I love it already.
Most of my friends are plebs. My mum's a pleb.
- Sometimes, for fun, we pretend to be plebs. - Watch this...
Louise, do you know all the words to "Blue Monday"?
No.
Whoo! Come on! Whoo!
(POUNDING DANCE MUSIC)
Do you want a drink?
Do you wanna make jokes about Muzzy Izzet's name?
D'you want something sharp in the kneecap?
I'll have summat sweet.
- Nah, get us a beer, mate. - Have you spoken to Donna today?
Donna? Oh, you mean me mum? Me mother, Donna.
- I love me mother, me. - You're embarrassing me.
A man embarrassed about loving his mother is a man without a...
Plate in his head. Shut up!
I'm not ashamed of being in touch with my feminine side.
Or yours, as a matter of fact.
- Haven't I seen you with your girlfriend? - Me? Oh, so you noticed me?
So what was running through your head?
That your girlfriend was wiping beer off your chin.
Oh, no. That was my mum.
- She's very protective. - She looks great for her age.
- Yeah, she had me when she was... - Seven?
No. She uses that moisturiser.
The expensive stuff, y'know, with dog placenta in it.
Oh, that is disgusting!
You could use a bit of placenta yourself, love.
How could she resist that, Gazster (?)
Who's your mate?
Jonny? Well, between you and me, he's a bit shy and boring, really.
Oh, the strong and silent type, eh?
Yeah, but him and his girlfriend are mutants.
- So you've got a girlfriend, then? - Yeah.
- Is she here? - No, she's gone to meet some students.
Students are really bad for sleeping around, you know?
Well, let's hope she learns something she can bring home, then.
I wouldn't let a man like you out of my sight.
- What about a man like me? - You're shaggin' your mother.
- You're chatting me up, aren't you? - You know you love it.
No, no, I love it. Go on! Do me!
Well, you are, um... very fit...
and... and you do have, um... breasts...
...but I can't... I can't talk to you.
Scared you might give in? I mean, I do, as you pointed out, have breasts.
And it's very nice to meet them, but if, for example,
a member of my girlfriend's family saw me talking to them,
I would have no bollocks to speak of.
Well, we could be having an intelligent conversation.
What about? Manicures?
- Michelle, this man is resisting me. - Don't be stupid, it can't be. It's a man.
I wouldn't resist you! I'm a real man, me.
What if I did this?
Well, what about this?
Yeah, that's... that's really good. Very good work.
Very good, but I can't talk. I'm sorry.
- How about if we lez up? - Yeah, that'd work!
No, I can't. I've got to go home. There's a new episode of "ER" on.
Now, ladies... I'm very turned on,
but I'm also very aloof, you see?
I'll only like you if you, as mentioned, "lez up".
- "ER"'s on? - See ya.
Right, then...
Let's bring it on!! Won't someone think of the pectorals?!
Hello.
- Donna! - What are you doing?
I'm... I'm scaring off all the sexy women.
That's a perfectly reasonable explanation.
- Why? - Are you gonna hurt me?
No, I'm managing my anger. Why?
Well... they was all trying to seduce me with their breasts.
- And you thought you'd show them yours? - Yeah, definitely.
- That's definitely what happened. - Want a drink?
(LAUGHS SMUGLY)
Oh! It!
Oh, Cheryl Blair! Such a pleb.
Could you please turn the pages more quietly?
No. It's your own fault.
If you drank quality wine instead of beer, you wouldn't suffer.
You don't drink quality wine. You drink alcoholic Vimto.
Not any more. Now I'm mixing with the educated,
whatever passes my lips is old and French.
So you're going to eat Edith Piaf?
At least your farts'd be tuneful.
I don't fart any more.
With you, we could make a jacuzzi if we just get a tube and...
- What do you mean you don't fart any more? - It's obnoxious.
You'll explode!
Please, Janet, I'm begging you.
Well, Louise and Cameron don't fart.
Janet, you've known this bloke five minutes.
Even I can hold it for five minutes. Oh, hang on...
- (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Shh! That'll be Cameron now.
Feet, Jonny!
Cameron! Come on in. Jonny, this is Cameron.
Oh, and look, he's got his hair in an amusing quiff. Very amusing, Cameron.
Actually, I slept on my forehead. Do you have tea?
Or coffee? It's Mellow Birds.
No, tea's fine if it's not a product of the slave trade.
- Right. - Oh, Janet,
you don't read this sort of thing, do you?
No, it's mine.
And before you ask, Cameron, Jordan has the nicest knockers.
I only read the "Socialist Worker". Go, Trotsky! Go!
Tea.
(CLEARS THROAT) Jonny? Can we sit down, please?
'Course. Where are my manners, eh?
So... Cameron... I hear you don't fart.
Cameron, I noted what you said about the slave trade,
so I've thrown out all the teabags that looked shoddily made. Biscotti?
No, I don't fart in front of people.
See? It's only in front of people. You can do it in front of me.
- I just think it's a bit rude, that's all. - You don't think farts are at all funny?
- No. Why? - Nothin'. Just going to the toilet.
Janet, Cameron has some really exciting news.
- Oh, wow! This is so exciting! - I haven't told you yet.
- I know! - I've organised a poetry reading tonight.
Oh, you need a tissue. There's a bit of drool just... Got it.
I mean, it's nothing fancy. Just like-minded people putting the world to rights.
Oh, just like the Nazis, then.
Jonny! We are talking about poetry. Huh!
Poetry. What, like, "There was a young man from Nantucket,
- "If anything moved, he would..." - Jonny, please!
It's fine. Poetry can be expressed in many ways.
In fact, you're a piece of poetry yourself.
Janet? What rhymes with Janet?
Apart from "granite".
Oh, dear. Poetry doesn't have to rhyme.
Of course it does. That's why no one writes poems about oranges.
Jonny, stop it. I am so sorry about this, Cameron.
No, it's fine. Jonny's making an interesting argument.
Oh, please don't argue with me.
My brain's only just capable of stopping me farting.
Jonny, maybe you should come to the poetry reading?
- Add a bit of bohemia to the occasion. - Bohemia? I'm not a goth.
I'm just pale this morning because of the dirty beer.
Actually, Cameron, I used to write poetry at school.
- Oh? The loneliness of adolescence? - No. It was more about Damon Albarn.
You should perform tonight. New people are popular.
Oh, yes, you should. And Janet, remember to bring your pain.
Oh, yeah. Don't worry. He'll be there.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR) - It's open.
Oh, hello, Gary, love.
Come on in. I'm just doing a little bit of housework.
I'm just picking Donna up for this bloody poetry reading.
I don't know what you're doing watching poetry.
When I were a girl, I used to amuse myself by painting giant penises on toilet doors.
Flo, I wonder, could I ask you a personal question?
If it's about the giant penises, I never made them too intimidating.
No, no. It's not that. It's about...
Oh, God! Have you fallen in love with me?
- No! - Because that has happened so many times.
No, no. It's a question.
Does a man's sexual attractiveness go down when he's involved?
- 'Course it does, yeah. - Oh.
But not yours.
- Really? - You're different. You have a...
rawness.
Well, thanks for the advice.
In fact, I don't know why our Donna isn't more grateful.
Most women would find you irresistible.
Oh... goody.
If I'd just been three years younger, we'd probably have met around town.
- Three years? - That's when I were barred from most places.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
What you doing?
You want to feel attractive, don't you?
l-l-I suppose.
Well, your girlfriend's mother must be the biggest taboo.
Well, that's... that's true.
You can't tell me you don't like it.
I ju-just don't think I'm allowed.
You can sniff my hair if you want.
l-l-l-lf you insist.
- Hello, Gary. - Oh, shit!!
Sniffing my mum's hair, there. And you, Mum, fondling my boyfriend.
- Donna, I can ex... - You big lug, turning up early. Tut-tut!
You should know her by now. She'd shag Aberdeen!
Your daughter's so cool. As soon as I can afford it,
I'm taking her on holiday where there's loads of naked ladies... and she won't mind!
Oh, God! I am so nervous. I don't think I should get up.
Go on, you've got to. The last guy only did poems about orange.
Yes. Who knew "borange" was a word?
This evening is going so well. A PhD in the exploitation of youth, here I come.
Janet, what do you have for me tonight?
Er, well, actually, Cameron, I don't think...
Janet, you do know that public speaking is integral to student life?
- Is it? - No...
But please go on. I've only got folk singers left. Good luck.
- Hold on... - Jonny, she needed it.
Hello. I would like to read you one or two of my poems.
- "Come to me! I am woman!" - Didn't Sue Pollard sing that?
"All the people, so many people,
- "they all walk hand in hand..." - This isn't rustic. It's crap.
"All that she wants is another baby, He's gone tomorrow."
- That's "Ace Of Base"! - No, please! It's the future! I've got more!
- I can't watch this. - (JEERING AND BOOING)
You big shower of bastards!
A person comes here for the first time and what do you do? This is a human being.
You students, you all prefer dolphins, don't you?
'Cause they smile and make clicky sounds.
Dolphins, right... Dolphins make you feel better
about your duffel-coat-wearing, couscous-eating,
"we-smoke-weed-because-Daddy- said-we-shouldn't" sad little life.
Bastard-arse-pissing, moon-wank-twat!
Well, thank you to Jonny, there. Certainly gritty.
I discovered him myself, you know? He farts.
Jonny, wait. Look, I know Janet's a failure, but you!
I mean, would you like a regular slot?
- What? - Well, you'd have to ditch the girlfriend,
but, er... I'd buy you some whores.
Ooooh!
(GAZ) I really like the way we're going.
- I had no idea you liked canals so much. - No, I mean us.
No pettiness, no moodiness. It's just perfect.
Mmm.
If things keep going the way they're going,
one day, if you're lucky enough, you could become Mrs Gaz.
Lovely.
As you're so understanding, you should know that the reason I had my top off in the pub
was so all the sexy women would stroke me.
Super-duper.
You're so great.
- Can I make a suggestion? - I'd love it.
Maybe you could wear skirts that leave less to the imagination.
- Then other men might be jealous of me. - I wear clothes for comfort.
You can tell. And what about your hair?
If I'm to make you perfect, I've got to admit that I've always loved auburn.
- What? What is it? - Gaz?
Yeah?
Do you fancy some sex?
No.
- How about a digestive? - Yeah.
- I feel so stupid, Jonny. - You're not stupid.
Yes, I am. I hate "Question Time" and "Heart of the Matter".
- You love Stephen Hawking. - No, I just think he has a funny voice.
I'm never going to have an intellectual discussion, though, am I?
- We have those. - When?
Usually after about eight pints of Stella. We talk about life.
Yeah, and death and sex and politics and religion.
Mmm, and B*witched.
I'm never going to learn how to become educated and demure, am I?
Why would you want to do that?
It means you can't eat mashed-potato butties and piss in the sink.
♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please! ♪
- Jonny? - Yes, Louise?
- Remember when you shook me back to life? - Yes, I remember.
You touched my booby.
(GIGGLES)
I wouldn't have noticed. I'm sorry.
I wouldn't think you'd have done it on purpose, being with...